Really Sorry...

Its 22 May, and still nothing much has changed. Yeah i know the last post , it looked pretty much good. Now -  yes i am tired, almost given up... mentally i mean... I am going to keep trying physically.. I feel like cutting of from my friends because they all ask me about hows life and its not good... So i feel like cutting off. Anyways , i don't know what i am going to do. Let them feel whatever they want. But i am in a really bad mood and meeting them wont help either. Sorry God... Abhi toh i have lost hope... But i still love you.. as always... I just wanna tell some things to whoever is listening.... I am really really really really sorry that i couldnt help my mom with finance. And she has to work still... I am really feeling helpless and also very bad about it.. Believe me its very painful and it hurts to see my mom working... Anyways that is the only thing that i wanna speak about.. I love you Mom and God and my family always..... An out of body experience - i am having even though m alive... If only i could help her.. that would have been the best and important part of my life.. But its been taken away from me... Tc.. Keep Smiling no matter what.... Difficult i know...

So new beginnings....

So after months of waiting, i have one opportunity.. To continue my clinic and also earn part time.. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Hope this works out well. I had been to Babulnath temple... (without telling anyone of course).. Some things changed after that... But i do not want to count my chickens before they are hatched. Now i have an opportunity. (at least it sounds good, now have to check it out).. If this works out... i want to do it well and earn good.. Today is april 1st and  i want to start right away. Its exactly one year , one month after i started my clinc... Thanks God for being there and giving me this opportunity.. I really need to work hard from today.. Not that i wasnt earlier.. but was a little depressed.. low on energy.. Anyways , i am starting fresh, and looking forward to new beginnings and achieving my long suppressed dreams... many short ones... :) 
Hey also would like to tell ya , that my skin infection that i had been suffering through almost all my life almost on the verge of going.. I hope it goes completely. It has a nasty tendency of coming back.. Happy for that and keeping my fingers crossed for that as well.. I will write that story about how i conquered my chronic skin problem in another blog.. After all i want to hide my identity for that :D 


Cut short... Things are looking good as of now.. Now its upto me it seems... Take care all.. and as always Thanks God.. Love you.. But yes, i have decided one thing and that it i would want to make it so big that i or anyone around me never faces scarcity... Its definitely not a nice thing to be with...  Want to go beyond what i thought i wanted to do....

Mahashivratri - an important day in my life

I have always been a devotee of lord Shiva, since childhood, since i remember... I just and simply love him. He is the one who helps me out of many troubles. He really has. He has helped me from difficult situations when i have prayed to him. That to on the spot he has sent help. Many small and big situations. Sometimes there were situations in my life when i felt that i was not having or getting what i wanted, now when i look at them, i understand that he could see my future and did not want me to take wrong steps or decisions. So he did not let me get the circumstances no matter how much i wanted. I am so thankful to him for that. Soooooo much. Thanks thanks thanks. This time situation is really bad , and its not because of him or anything. Just that it is bad. May be he is also going through a rough phase. But dont worry, i am always there and will always be. I also need you very much now. You must have read my earlier post and you know in how much bad condition i am (i know , i know , that u do not need to read a post to know what your friend, devotee or lover is going though - yeah i consider myself all of these - love you). But is really getting difficult to sustain now. I mean seriously difficult. But i believe you. And i am so thankful that you are right besides me, when i am going through such a yucks phase.. Thankssss sooo much. Actually cant thank you enough for that. :) Jaane kya hoga shiva re.... jusst kidding, dont mind... :) Yes tomorrow will be fasting day for you. Love you.. Hmmm Remembering raj and stuff :) Every shivratri , i ask you for a gift, i want many things, but when i pray or ask, mostly some important person comes to my mind & i pray for him. Yeah this time also i have some wishes. But a very important person has already come into my mind. My mom... Please be kind. Will pray for her this time. And i know u r listening as alwayssssss... Thanks thankss sooooooooooooooooo much... Muuuaaahhhhhhhh.. Love u alwayssss... Forever and ever.. Happy Birthday!!! Happy Mahashivratri!!! :) Today i will smile , jssssst for you......... :) Om Namah Shivay!! Love youuuuuuuu :)

Complete Breakdown

Hmmmmmm... What to say.. I am in a state of complete despair.. I do not know how long this phase is going to last. I really dont know. I feel drowned. You know what i felt last night. I felt like i should get a heart attack right now and i should die on the spot.. Such bad feelings are going through my mind.. I always write my post as if someone's listening. But the fact is i do not want any one to read this one post that i am writing. Well, you wanna know the reason why m feeling so stressed and drained out.. Well there are many. I am a 25 yr old cute bubbly girl. (Thats what i feel and those who meet me feel as well) I had a lot of dreams, big and small, both. I felt i could achieve at least the small ones before i get married. I mean isnt buying a small gift of rs1000 or so for my mom a small dream. It really is a very small dream. But i cant even fulfill even that. Really feeling very bad about it. I am a doctor who has studied and completed bhms (Mind you , its a 5& half yrs medical graduation course). You know the job prospects for doctors in maharashtra are so damn horrible. You are paid 3000 rs as a fresher if you join a small hospital in mumbai city. Big hospitals need experience , so they dont take you. Wow i mean engineers and other field graduated are getting around 30 - 35000/pm for their first job and we this shit. Even a ward boy or helper is paid more. The pay never gets bigger than 8000-10000 bucks for 1st two yrs. I a moving towards my goal. I have currently set up practise and every clinic gives meagre returns for the first year. My clinic has completed 8 months. So you may understand that in how much pathetic condition i may be. Its really pathetic. The response to the clinic is good. I have studied hard for this and so i am ahead of my colleagues who have also opened up a clinic. But i feel hard to survive in this over growing inflation and a scenario where doctors (bhms) left to do no other jobs other than hospital jobs. There are no other clinical jobs available. I know i will get good returns after some years. But what about now. I mean i was always a bright and hardworking student. So why should i suffer like this. I wanted to buy few things like specks, watch. Still using those that i have bought 4-5 yrs back. I also feel that my mom should stop working now. She has done a lot till now but still cant tell her to stop working as my income is just hopeless now. You know how this feels as if a knife is stabbing me again and again. I mean not that we are from a poor background. We have a car, a nice house. But all feels tasteless when you  do not have your own income. I cannot enjoy any of it till i feel i am earning well. I am not those kinds who can depend on some one else' s money be it your close family. I just cannot use any of it. Soon parents will start looking for a prospective groom. The thought of getting married to someone whom you had met few months back (arrange marriage) and depending on them for money even for few months seems impossible for me. I feel i will die if i have to ask for money from some1 else, anyone. Dying is better actually. I mean, am i asking too much giving the condition that you are a well qualified doctor and wanting just max of 20000/pm so that my mom can retire early and i can spend some money on my basic needs in todays 21st century. Life sucks at the moment. And it feelsssssss really reallly horrible. And i do not want to leave my eve clinic to do job. So cannot apply for a job thats far but pays ok ok. Really traumatised. Some times the stress becomes so much that i really feel pain in chest, as if squeezing of arteries and head always gets heavy due to continuous worrying and stress. Also sleepless since past few nights. Never have felt like this ever in my whole life and i know will never feel this way ever again. But this stage of life is really the worsiest phase of life. I mean even loving someone and not being able to have him/ her was better. This is really shitty..... I know that life will be far better few yrs later. But I think the small dreams that i wanted to achieve before getting married are almost thrashed. I think i wont be able to realize them, coz time is slipping... I feel one part of my life will remain incomplete ever even if i move ahead in life. :(