Hmmmmmm... What to say.. I am in a state of complete despair.. I do not know how long this phase is going to last. I really dont know. I feel drowned. You know what i felt last night. I felt like i should get a heart attack right now and i should die on the spot.. Such bad feelings are going through my mind.. I always write my post as if someone's listening. But the fact is i do not want any one to read this one post that i am writing. Well, you wanna know the reason why m feeling so stressed and drained out.. Well there are many. I am a 25 yr old cute bubbly girl. (Thats what i feel and those who meet me feel as well) I had a lot of dreams, big and small, both. I felt i could achieve at least the small ones before i get married. I mean isnt buying a small gift of rs1000 or so for my mom a small dream. It really is a very small dream. But i cant even fulfill even that. Really feeling very bad about it. I am a doctor who has studied and completed bhms (Mind you , its a 5& half yrs medical graduation course). You know the job prospects for doctors in maharashtra are so damn horrible. You are paid 3000 rs as a fresher if you join a small hospital in mumbai city. Big hospitals need experience , so they dont take you. Wow i mean engineers and other field graduated are getting around 30 - 35000/pm for their first job and we this shit. Even a ward boy or helper is paid more. The pay never gets bigger than 8000-10000 bucks for 1st two yrs. I a moving towards my goal. I have currently set up practise and every clinic gives meagre returns for the first year. My clinic has completed 8 months. So you may understand that in how much pathetic condition i may be. Its really pathetic. The response to the clinic is good. I have studied hard for this and so i am ahead of my colleagues who have also opened up a clinic. But i feel hard to survive in this over growing inflation and a scenario where doctors (bhms) left to do no other jobs other than hospital jobs. There are no other clinical jobs available. I know i will get good returns after some years. But what about now. I mean i was always a bright and hardworking student. So why should i suffer like this. I wanted to buy few things like specks, watch. Still using those that i have bought 4-5 yrs back. I also feel that my mom should stop working now. She has done a lot till now but still cant tell her to stop working as my income is just hopeless now. You know how this feels as if a knife is stabbing me again and again. I mean not that we are from a poor background. We have a car, a nice house. But all feels tasteless when you do not have your own income. I cannot enjoy any of it till i feel i am earning well. I am not those kinds who can depend on some one else' s money be it your close family. I just cannot use any of it. Soon parents will start looking for a prospective groom. The thought of getting married to someone whom you had met few months back (arrange marriage) and depending on them for money even for few months seems impossible for me. I feel i will die if i have to ask for money from some1 else, anyone. Dying is better actually. I mean, am i asking too much giving the condition that you are a well qualified doctor and wanting just max of 20000/pm so that my mom can retire early and i can spend some money on my basic needs in todays 21st century. Life sucks at the moment. And it feelsssssss really reallly horrible. And i do not want to leave my eve clinic to do job. So cannot apply for a job thats far but pays ok ok. Really traumatised. Some times the stress becomes so much that i really feel pain in chest, as if squeezing of arteries and head always gets heavy due to continuous worrying and stress. Also sleepless since past few nights. Never have felt like this ever in my whole life and i know will never feel this way ever again. But this stage of life is really the worsiest phase of life. I mean even loving someone and not being able to have him/ her was better. This is really shitty..... I know that life will be far better few yrs later. But I think the small dreams that i wanted to achieve before getting married are almost thrashed. I think i wont be able to realize them, coz time is slipping... I feel one part of my life will remain incomplete ever even if i move ahead in life. :(
